DVD #7 - The Hip Hop Workout

When I saw what Lovefilm was sending me this week, a little part of me died inside. I am not the world's biggest hiphop fan. I find Snoop Dog, P Diddy (or whatever he's called nowadays) and the rest of them really annoying. Actually, I find the female rappers even more annoying.

My worst fears were confirmed in the opening credits when 'the crew' were introduced. I won't divulge what their names were but I'm sure you can imagine that they were most definitely from the infamous block. To be honest, most of the girls looked like they could do with a whole new wardrobe, as their clothes seemed very torn and full of inappropriate holes.

My worst fears were cemented by the fact that the workout was to be demonstrated in a garage full of blingy cars, and a lot of tyres.

My worst fears were buried six feet under as they announced the 'e z warm up' 'Kool Down' and the 'hardcore workout'.

So I did the warm up, feeling slightly more achy this morning than I generally do. It was the usual stretches and a few cardio bits and pieces, although it seemed pretty quick for a warm up.

Then onwards to the hardcore workout. And I'll tell you something; I have never heard my bones make such horrible noises. This DVD needs to come with a better health warning. Now, I don't consider myself to have any injuries or be any different fron the next person, but this video was awful. These are trained professionals, and the moves they are doing are way too fast and far too complicated. You need to have a serious level of fitness behind you already to attempt to do this video. And if you are low in self confidence then this is NOT the video for you. I've done it and I feel even worse now than I did before.

The guy who leads this video keeps telling you to smile. Whilst I just want to tell him to bugger off. He says at the start that he has split the sections into 9 minute chunks. I didn't get that. For me, it was an hour of pain. He kept saying 'We're at the top!' but I don't really understand what he meant by that.

The dancers? They whooped throughout the whole thing. It was more annoying than the looped hiphop track that passes for music these days. And whoever put the girl in bright blue trousers next to the guy in bright orange trousers needs their eyes testing. Badly.

At the end they put all the moves together and made like a hiphop music video. By this point I was so fed up of not acheiving anything and my bones cracking every two seconds that I stood there like a loser at a disco and swayed from side to side.

Don't do this video guys, you will only injure yourself. Good cardio, bad for bones.

I still maintain the Martine's Dancebody is the best dance video.

Score: 1/5. It's for professional dancers only. And I'm guessing that professional dancers don't need fitness videos.

DVD #4 - Jade Goody's Dance Workout

I have two ways to approach this video. I could tread carefully, or I could not.

So, in the words of one of the other half's mates who happened to be talking to him whilst I was mid stretch 'Dead people don't know fitness. Cos they are dead.'

I'll make it clear now - I never liked Jade, however what she went through towards the end of her short life was truly awful and I would never wish that on anybody. But this video - I wouldn't wish this on anybody either. She doesn't look fit and healthy and her contemporary body shape (circa five months after leaving the infamous BB house)is not something that you would necessarily aspire to.

This workout will get your heart rate up, and if you are into your 'urban dancing' then yeah, you might like this. The moves are fast and she's not a natural presenter, so you've gotta have dancer's coordination to match her.

And I'll tell you now, with those moves, you are not going to get fit. It won't happen. I barely broke a sweat doing this, I only got slightly warm. I'll sweat more eating the chili I made for lunch. It's that pathetic.

It's clear from Jade's attitude that she is only doing this for the monetary reward. Her opening word is 'Alright?' Clearly, the poor girl was left to write her own script.

There is a lot of jumping involved in the 'workout' so if you live above your neighbours like me then I wouldn't get this. To be honest, I wouldn't get this anyway, it's rubbish.

The hidden extras include a 'behind the scenes' and an 'interview with Jade' - apparently we see her as a sex symbol. Never heard that before...

Score: 0/5. I can't even bring myself to give her 1 star.